Friends in play, we are gathered here today to mourn the imminent passing of three dearly beloved playground slides. As longtime residents of Union Grove, Wis., these slides have brought joy to countless children who have reveled in their thrillingly tall ladders and periliously long snouts.
Alas, tomorrow's children will never enjoy such singular pleasures. In the name of safety (and, ahem, liability), the insurance company of Union Grove is seeing to it that our eccentric, rickety friends meet their demise.
Though not everyone is mourning the passing of our dearly beloved slides, even they admit that "kids are going to be sad." As are we. Not just for the children of Union Grove but for children the world over who are forced to contend with shorter, stouter, yawn-inducing slides. Tall slides of Union Grove, and tall slides everywhere, you will be dearly missed. Friends in play, we invite you to pay your respects in the "Comments" section below.